Current mood:

pissed off

ARGH
DFGJLDFGKJFGKHLJFGKHLJFG HE IS SO INFURIATING.

Louis, the ex-boyfriend, IMed me tonight, apparently both drunk and high. He never smoked weed while we were together, and it really bothers me that he's doing it now. I lose a lot of respect for people when I find out that they smoke. (If you, the reader, smoke weed, don't take offense to this. Just make sure I don't hear about it and we'll be fine, lol.) In fact, my best friend in high school, Joel, went to great lengths to keep it a secret from me for three years that he does it.

Anyway. Here's the conversation.

LOUIS: so you think im a dick
LOUIS: sweet
ME: what?
LOUIS: ya i heard it from a bird
LOUIS: don't worry about it
ME: well you kind of are...
LOUIS: ok
LOUIS: just nice to know
ME: what kind of person breaks up with his girlfriend of two years over the phone?
LOUIS: well, i would have broken up with you in person
LOUIS: but you were really annoying me
LOUIS: and
LOUIS: when i even said we need to talk over the phone, you freaked out
ME: I deserved better than that, Louis
LOUIS: ya
LOUIS: you did
LOUIS: and you do
LOUIS: but
LOUIS: honestly, every time i start to miss you i think of all the things i don't like about you
LOUIS: and im fine
LOUIS: so
ME: So do I, actually
ME: I haven't missed you since the night we broke up, in fact...
LOUIS: ya i haven't missed you since...not at all
ME: I'm a little sad that you're not interested in being mature enough to be friends
LOUIS: well,
ME: But I know you think I'm a bitch
LOUIS: no
LOUIS: but
LOUIS: i don't exactly agree with a lot of stuff you say
ME: You don't have to agree with everything that a person says to be friends with them.
LOUIS: right, but a lot of the stuff you say or do doesn't make me laugh or doesn't interest me really
LOUIS: so
LOUIS: like i dont mind talkin to you sometimes but
LOUIS: sometimes it sjust...
LOUIS: annoys me
ME: Oh
ME: Well
ME: I'm terribly sorry that the things I'm interested in aren't intellectual enough for you
ME: because I know you're SO smart
ME: I just can't measure up to you
LOUIS: ya not really
LOUIS: you don't care about stuff unless it directly relates to you
ME: That's not true
LOUIS: or for some reason you're specifically interested in it
ME: That's not true at all and I can't even begin to fathom why you think that.
LOUIS: well it sure seems like it
ME: I could say the same thing about you. You're not interested in the things I'm interested in, and so I could say that you don't care about things unless they directly relate to you.
ME: Is it because I'm not interested in politics?
LOUIS: no
ME: Because I don't like cars or sports?
LOUIS: lmao no
LOUIS: but really, we're not interested in the same things, not really at all
ME: I know that
ME: We used to at least have the same taste in music but you've changed since then
LOUIS: no not really
ME: You have
ME: You don't see it, but you have, Louis
LOUIS: lol ok
LOUIS: well
LOUIS: change is good
LOUIS: especially when you're drunk and high
ME: ...wtf
ME: What is THAT supposed to mean?
LOUIS: that i am? i dont know
LOUIS: it could mean whatever you want to mean
ME: Oh, you're high, good to know you've kept your standards up
ME: lol I feel so sorry for you right now
LOUIS: ya, well being an idealist only gets you so far
LOUIS: ok
LOUIS: well i dont
LOUIS: i knew you'd like me even less after i told you that
ME: lol so then why did you?
LOUIS: because...i dont wanna be your friend right now?
ME: That's sad... I would've liked to at least try to be friends, maybe not right away but sometime in the future
LOUIS: right, not right now
LOUIS: probably in the future
LOUIS: we have too much history to never be friends
LOUIS: but
ME: I don't love you anymore, I don't want to get back together, but I would have liked to be friends
ME: Here's the problem, though, Louis
ME: I don't know if I can look at you the same way again knowing that you're doing drugs now.
ME: I think you just broke my heart even worse just now than you did a couple of weeks ago.
LOUIS: well you know, this is the 2nd time ive done it
LOUIS: i havent died yet
ME: Oh, yeah, I'm real impressed
LOUIS: and, i dont plan on doing it a lot
LOUIS: but
LOUIS: on occasion, i probably will
ME: The fact that you're doing it at all really saddens me.
LOUIS: well im sorry
ME: I can get over the heavy drinking that I know you've probably been doing
LOUIS: actually i havent
ME: But I can't get over you doing drugs
LOUIS: i killed my 2nd fifth for the semester tonight
LOUIS: and, im not doing drugs
ME: You were smoking weed, were you not?
LOUIS: alcohol is a worse drug htan weed
ME: That's the impression I got
ME: Weed is illegal.
LOUIS: ok
LOUIS: so is alcohol until your 21
ME: I really wish you hadn't told me this. I'm honestly feeling sick to my stomach right now.
ME: Alcohol is legal at some point, weed is not legal at all.
LOUIS: well in seattle they'll give you a parking ticket before they'll bug you about weed
ME: Louis, you're missing the point here
ME: I'm really really sad that you felt the need to come pick a fight with me while you're drunk and high.
ME: But then, you always liked picking fights with me
ME: You told me that yourself
LOUIS: no i dont always like picking fights with you
LOUIS: i just don't like to agree with shit that i dont agree with
ME: You do too! You told me that you like to play Devil's Advocate even when you DO agree with me, just to debate.
LOUIS: lol ya sometimes
ME: And it's fine if you don't agree with someone, but you don't need to start a fight with them about it. Ever heard of "agree to disagree"?
ME: I remember one time we walked out of a building and it was cold out, so I commented, "brrr, it's cold"
ME: and you replied, "No... not really..."
LOUIS: ya you see
LOUIS: i dont know
LOUIS: i stopped...i dont know
ME: *sigh* I have come to the realization lately, though, that I really wasn't all that happy with you.
ME: I thought I was, because you were familiar. I knew you inside and out and that was comforting to me
LOUIS: ya i know
ME: But when it got to the point where I was complaining about you to people more than I was saying good things about you... people were wondering if I was actually happy
ME: and then I realized that I wasn't afraid of losing you, so much as I was afraid of being single again
LOUIS: ya, i miss having some one around
LOUIS: but not neccessarily you
ME: lol I have someone around, I don't have to deal with that anymore
ME: I just need to ask you one thing, it's been bothering me.
LOUIS: what's that?
ME: How many times were you lying when you told me "I love you?"
LOUIS: never really
ME: That's a lie.
LOUIS: maybe the last couple days
LOUIS: but
LOUIS: i dunno
LOUIS: even my MOM told me to break up with you
LOUIS: that's pretty bad
LOUIS: i complained about you all the time
ME: Your mom saw that we weren't happy together, that doesn't bother me
LOUIS: ya, well she realized it before i did
LOUIS: but im glad she did
LOUIS: because it opened my eyes
ME: That's good
LOUIS: and ive actually been enjoying myself here now
ME: It has given me the chance to be with someone who appreciates me and actually values my opinion, which are two things you never did
LOUIS: although it would be nice if i had a wsu hat...
LOUIS: lol ya
LOUIS: thats true
LOUIS: you're kind of dumb
LOUIS: and im not a big fan of dumb people
LOUIS: which you know
LOUIS: and
LOUIS: you complain a lot
LOUIS: you seem to think that, people do shit just to make you upset
LOUIS: which, maybe its true, but, not all the time
LOUIS: and
LOUIS: it gets really old
LOUIS: hearing about some shit about professors you dont like
LOUIS: or
LOUIS: something happening in class that you didnt agree with
LOUIS: fuck, grow up, deal with it,
LOUIS: shits not always gonna be how you want it
ME: I know that
LOUIS: well you sure complained a lot
LOUIS: about a lot
LOUIS: and
ME: Complaining makes me feel better
LOUIS: well
LOUIS: it annoys the hell out of me
LOUIS: and
LOUIS: i definitely never complained that much
LOUIS: except, about you, to my mom and michael
ME: Well you certainly are the perfect one.
ME: You are a saint, Louis.
LOUIS: oh i am
LOUIS: you know why? because i like to run marathons, not sprints
ME: lmfao. I'm done with this conversation. We can continue when you're sober, if you like.
LOUIS: lmao
LOUIS: why?
LOUIS: ill say the same shit
LOUIS: maybe ill sugar coat it
LOUIS: but
ME: Because you're being an idiot.
LOUIS: it aint gonna change
LOUIS: ya ok
LOUIS: im just being more blunt about it now
LOUIS: which is funny
LOUIS: because i smoked a blunt earlier
ME: Why does it bother you so much that I think you're a dick? I know you think I'm a bitch, so why does it matter?
LOUIS: lol i dont care if you think im a bitch
LOUIS: you know how many girls are here?
LOUIS: enough that i don't get lonely unless i want to
ME: Not a lot that want to be with a guy who breathes through his mouth
LOUIS: lmao ok
ME: Not a lot that will look over and see you picking your nose while you're driving and not say anything
LOUIS: i dont think they really care?
ME: They do, actually. It creeps them out.
LOUIS: lmao
LOUIS: ok
ME: I've had people tell me that.
LOUIS: well, im not worried
LOUIS: you sohuldnt be either
ME: I'm not
ME: I've already got someone else
LOUIS: thats good
LOUIS: hopefully he doesnt mind the fact that you smell bad
LOUIS: and not in general
LOUIS: a bit more specific
LOUIS: or the fact that you're pretty dumb
LOUIS: but its ok
LOUIS: i dont have to deal with it
LOUIS: so i really dont care
LOUIS: lmao
LOUIS: i hope he enjoys it though
LOUIS: ciao
ME: Funny how you think I'm dumb when I get a higher grade than you on a paper in a class that I don't even like...
LOUIS: lol
ME: I think we're both smart, just in different areas.
ME: Which is fine.
LOUIS: no, you think your smart, but you're really not that smart
ME: You are the only person to ever tell me this. I usually get quite the contrary, and not just from my parents.
LOUIS: and, i really dont feel like talking to you right now
LOUIS: so
ME: LOL YOU'RE THE ONE WHO IMED ME
LOUIS: lol ok well
LOUIS: theres a lot of dumb people here
LOUIS: and everywhere
LOUIS: so
LOUIS: have fun with whoever else
ME: Oh I will
LOUIS: and
LOUIS: go continue to be irresponsibel, leaving peoples hats because yo udon't feel ike taking them, even when they're not yorus
ME: Have fun with your clone girlfriend, if you ever find her
LOUIS: lmao ok
ME: I already apologized for that. I was going to buy you a new one, even now that we're not together, but after the things you've said to me tonight, I don't think I'm going to.
LOUIS: lmao
LOUIS: ok
LOUIS: well
LOUIS: i really dont care
LOUIS: itd be nice
LOUIS: if you would have been responsible
ME: yeah you do if you keep bringing it up
LOUIS: since you know
LOUIS: you're the one that left it
LOUIS: when you decided it wasnt cool to wear it anymore or whatever
ME: I know you're still mad about that, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I said I was sorry, and I'm still sorry.
ME: If you want, I will buy you a new hat, but not until you grow up a little.
LOUIS: right, but if you had really cared, you wouldnt have just left it just cuz you idnt feel like wearing it
ME: I left it in a safe place. It was just that when we left, I was too drunk to remember it. I left one of my own shirts, too.
ME: It's not like I just took it off and threw it somewhere
LOUIS: oh well well talk about it later, because im going to sleep now
ME: Not that that makes any difference to you
LOUIS: im tired of talking
LOUIS: or typing
LOUIS: and
LOUIS: i keep making typos
ME: Fine. If you want, we can talk tomorrow.
LOUIS: which means its time for bed
LOUIS: peace
ME: But I hope that by then you've grown up a little.
ME: I feel like I'm arguing with my brother.
ME: Good night.

I can't believe he called me dumb. The rest of it I can deal with. But I can't believe he called me dumb. I know no one actually thinks that they're dumb, but I know I'm smart. I was in the gifted program in school, and I took a couple of honors classes before I got lazy and decided that the regular classes were less work. That's my problem right there, is that I'm lazy and I don't like to put forth tons and tons of effort for school. The way I see it: in an honors class, I could bust my butt and get an A; or in a regular class, I could do a comfortable amount of work and still get an A. The A looks exactly the same either way, and it's worth the same amount in my GPA. And it's actually more likely that I'll get a lower grade in the honors class. What's the point of working my ass off for a B or C which will only hurt my GPA?

In the conversation, I told him that it would have been nice to be friends with him, but after he said those things to me, I don't think I want to be his friend ever again. It really hurt me. I haven't cried, but that might change in a little bit. I had no idea he was capable of being so cruel.

The worst part is that we have class together on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. And it's not in a big lecture hall; it's a tiny little classroom even smaller than the ones in high school. There's maybe fifteen people in that class. But there's no way I'm going to drop out of the class. That would just mean he won.

Okay up until this point I've remained really calm and collected and now I really just want to swear and bang on the keyboard, so I'm gonna do that now.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THAT ASSHOLE I HOPE HE GETS CANCER AND DIES. FUCK COCK BITCH CUNT GOD FUCKING DAMN IT KDFJLGHJLDFGHDKJGHSGKHDFLJDGJKDFJFKKKKKK.

I feel a little bit better now.

I hope Louis finds his perfect clone girlfriend. I hope he finds her and she finds him, and I hope that he falls hopelessly, irrevocably in love with her. I hope he feels that passion that I once felt for him, I hope he finds out what it feels like to need somebody. I hope she's intoxicating. I hope he can't get rid of his addiction. I hope she makes him feel high above the clouds, like he's flying, like all of his problems are insignificant. I hope he can't stop thinking about her no matter how hard he tries. And once she's got her claws sunken deep into his heart, I hope she leaves.

I hope she leaves him without warning and without remorse. I hope she detaches herself from him like he was nothing more than a passing fancy. I hope it kills him inside. He'll still wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night, he'll smile and say that nothing's wrong, but inside, his heart has stopped beating. I hope he discovers what it feels like to have nothing. I hope it haunts him for the rest of his life. I hope his existence becomes an empty one, devoid of meaning, devoid of happiness. I hope that all he becomes is an empty shell.

And I hope he dies alone.